I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
