I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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