If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
