Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
