I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
