..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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