i dont even know how to be here
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
