I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize