His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And my parents said I crawled through the house
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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