We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
