Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
