i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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