Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
