when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
