Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
