I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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