Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
