Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
