I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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