the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
