I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
