It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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