I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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