hotel room ftw
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
