i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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