The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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