I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
