I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
