this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My dick has a subreddit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize