...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
