I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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