Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
