There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
