Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
