yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
