he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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