he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
