My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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