He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
