If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
