tell your sister to shave her snatch
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
