we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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