Do vagina's smell?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
