i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
