I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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