I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
