What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
