My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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