You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
