I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
