Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
