I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
