Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
