Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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