I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
