No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
