Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
