When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
