I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
