I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
