so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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