i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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