: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
