I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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